I have been interpreting emails sent to me and spoken word from modern usage and what they really mean.

Written (and perhaps spoken too)

I hope you are keeping well
I have not been in touch as much as I should have been and am looking to (re)open a conversation

Kind Regards
This is the end of my email message

With great respsect
I think your views are uttterly wrong and it doesn't reflect well on you

As you wiil know
It's a little know "fact" that I will tell you to help me make my point

It is clear that
I'm about to jump to an unproven conclusion that does not follow from the data but looks as if it could

I will get back to you
I don't have the time or inclination to give a complete answer and unless you chase me you won't hear further

We have revised our prices
We have put up our prices

We have revised our hours
We have reduced the hours we are open

To be honest with you
Please believe what follows.  All the rest of what I say may be bullshit

You should check your moral compass
I am taking a different view and I am on thin ice with it. So I am questioning your integrity in an attempt to give my view the high ground.

This train is cancelled
We don't have a driver / train manager / train available right now, but please check back later in the day as we could very well have managed to find one.

We have the parts on order
It should happen, but don't expect it any time soon

You won't have been aware
We planned for this in private / behind closed doors and its too late to change it - you'll just have to accept ...

Easy to find
Hidden up a back alley / in a link somewhere in the small print at the base of the page

last chance to get 15% off
The current sale is coming to an end and we're not yet going to tell about the next one

(Starting) Please see attached letter or I am forwarding a survey
I don't have time to give you a view / advise on this but as a councillor you need to be fully informed and answerable on it

Spoken (only)

So ...
I am about to start talking and want to get your attention before my real message.

Have a nice day
I'm done with you and moving on to the next customer

Do you know who I am?
I am an important person and you should know that and respect me

Please keep it short
I really don't want to hear from you, but appreciate you have a right to speak

Please add your own ...

 

We have changed our interest rates [on your savings accounts]
It's gone down

I have learnt from long experience that whenever they use the word 'change' it is usually a euphemism for 'made worse'.  If the change was instead going to be better for me they would use a positive word such as 'increase'.

 
Media employees saying

"You will remember"

I might not

It should be

"You may recall"

 
'Only 4 left' on the LNER booking engine against a number of ticket categories, which actually seems to mean that loadings on the service in question are pretty low - as confirmed by a quick perusal of the seat map - and they would like us to buy more; I booked 3 seats from a ticket category labelled in this way yesterday but miraculously there are still (only) 4 seats left today. 

 
Yup. Complete crookery.

Mark

 
There's a current infestation of third rate local news reporters who describe nearly every building they report on as 'iconic' when what they really mean is 'well known ' or 'prominent'.
Similarly, a lot of journos don't seem to to know what an epicenter actually is....or it's corresponding hypocentre for that matter as well.

 
Perhaps I won't email Graham again.   

 

But you don't very often, Bob - you use personal messages.   

 

I wonder when someone will tell the Government that .........

 

Similarly, the word "unique" is also overused by media folk, often betrayed by the contradictory "more unique" - it seems they think it means "somewhat unusual".

A favourite of railway operators' electronic signage staff is "Delayed", which seems to mean "Late, don't know how late, and cannot (or cannot be bothered to) find out why or when it might turn up"

 
One of my pet hates in newspaper reports is "10am in the morning".   Well it wouldn't be the evening would it?